Have you ever said to yourself something like this: “Gosh, I hate telling Aunt Linda anything. She always has to give me her two cents worth!” Or “I just dread talking to my mother. I know that I’m going to have to listen to her go on and on about everything I’m doing wrong and what I should be doing.” If you have, then you have been the recipient of unwanted advice. If you dread hearing, “Here’s what you should do..” or “You should do…” from people and want to change that, then you could benefit from a strategy of how to deal with their unsolicited opinions.
First, ask yourself if it really was unsolicited. Did you ask for advice and just not like the advice given? If so, then you may want to do an internal check, examining your reaction. When you ask for advice, you have no control over what kind you will get. So, if you really don’t to run the risk that you may not like what you get, then don’t ask for it.
Perhaps, you asked for the advice indirectly? For example, did you say something like this, “Oh my gosh. You wouldn’t believe the price of tuition these days. I don’t know what to do!” and then maybe burst into tears? If so, consider that when people hear something like that, they may be moved to give advice as a way of trying to help you.
If you don’t intend to ask for advice indirectly but do want to share your situation with someone, you might try saying something like, “Oh my gosh. I can’t believe how much tuition costs these days. I haven’t yet decided what to do but I’m sure we’ll manage it.”
Next, try to determine what the motivation behind the advice is. Some people give advice because they want to help you, but others have their own agenda, whether they are consciously aware of it or not. These people may have unmet needs of their own or they may have specific past experience or may be undergoing situations that color their opinions.
Consider the advice and the person offering it and decide if you want advice from this person. Some things that may influence your choice are the potential negative or sticky consequences that may stem from taking their advice, such as family history and interactions and office politics. If taking the advice from this person could taint future dynamics, you may choose to not put them in the role of advisor.
If you decide to take the person’s advice, the situation is fairly straightforward. Thank them, ask them to expand on it, if necessary, and remember it. On the other hand, if you decide not to accept the person’s counsel, the situation can be more difficult.
For some people, it is enough to make them feel valued by saying, “Thank you for your opinion. I’ll take it into consideration.” These folks have an amiable “take it or leave it” way of dealing with it, are not overly attached to the advice they have given and understand that their advice may not be suitable for your particular situation.
Other people, however, can get quite offended if you don’t take their advice or agree with them immediately. They may persist and nag at you to see if you followed through with the action they suggested. Asking them for advice may also unleash a flood of unsolicited advice in the future.
To draw a boundary in this situation, you can politely but firmly say something like, “That’s a good idea, but I have my own way to handle this” or “I’m glad that works/worked for you. There’s lots of ways to do things.” Another firmer phrase might be, “Thanks. I’m doing okay.”
If unsolicited advice keeps coming at you, you have three choices. You can ignore it, you can avoid the person completely or you can firmly enforce the boundary. Some ways to do this may be to say, “Thanks, but if I need advice, I’ll be sure to ask for it” or “Thanks, but I don’t really need any advice. I’m already working on a solution.” You may have to say it repeatedly at first or even limit your contact with this person until they respect your boundary.
Ultimately, keep in mind that when people offer advice to you, it is usually from a place of kindness and generosity. They mean well most of the time. At worst, it may come from a weak place in them, such as an unmet need to be important or to be right or to be needed by others, but it is rarely from a place of meanness or cruelty.
